“When we see men of worth, we should think of equalling them; when we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.” – Confucius

The widely-accepted coaching adage that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” has gained significant traction in coaching circles since the 1980s. While this concept appears straightforward and compelling, it simplifies the complexities of human growth and influence. Let’s examine this idea closely, uncovering the often-overlooked nuances and considering whether it truly holds up to scrutiny.

The Complexity of Human Influence

The idea that our success and behaviour are predominantly shaped by our closest associates oversimplifies the intricate nature of human relationships and personal development. Human beings are influenced by many factors extending far beyond their immediate social circles. Psychological health, for instance, is profoundly impacted by childhood experiences, trauma, and individual resilience. These elements play crucial roles in shaping our mental health and personal growth, which cannot be solely attributed to the company we keep.

Furthermore, this principle disregards the broader cultural and historical contexts that shape an individual’s character and values. Personal development is not only a product of direct social interactions but also of cultural heritage, education, spiritual practices, personal experiences, and individual temperament. Our growth is influenced by various sources of wisdom and the collective human consciousness, all of which contribute to our understanding of the world and ourselves.

Eastern philosophy also teaches that genuine relationships are integral to personal growth. Confucius, for instance, emphasised the importance of ren (humaneness) and yi (righteousness) in relationships, advocating for deep, sincere connections that foster mutual respect and moral development.

The Dangers of a Transactional Mindset

Jim Rohn, who popularized this adage, intended to highlight the broader aspects of personal growth influenced by those around us, not just wealth and success. However, many coaches and individuals have interpreted this notion narrowly, focusing primarily on financial success and material gain. This misinterpretation can lead to superficial and transactional interactions, undermining the value of deep, meaningful connections that provide emotional support and genuine companionship.

Viewing relationships through a transactional lens can be detrimental to psychological well-being, fostering emotional isolation and undermining trust and authenticity. Superficial relationships, formed primarily for personal gain, lack the depth and sincerity necessary for genuine human connection. True respect and admiration are often earned through humility, empathy, and meaningful contributions to society, rather than through financial success alone. By prioritising wealth and status in our relationships, we risk losing the profound joy and fulfilment that come from selfless and altruistic connections.

It is particularly paradoxical that many people in the coaching realm, who hope to interpret and utilise wisdom from spiritual teachers, adhere to such a superficial measure of worth. Many revered teachers have emphasised virtues far removed from material wealth. These spiritual exemplars often lived modest lives, focusing on spiritual growth and the betterment of humanity rather than the accumulation of wealth. To judge relationships based on financial success contradicts the core teachings of these individuals and reduces human connections to mere transactions.

Buddhist teachings remind us that attachment to material wealth and superficial relationships leads to inner discontent. According to these teachings, true happiness arises from detachment and the cultivation of wisdom and compassion.

Overemphasis on External Validation

The principle may lead individuals to seek external validation through their associations, rather than cultivating a strong sense of self-worth based on intrinsic values. This reliance on external validation can undermine intrinsic motivation, which is crucial for genuine personal fulfilment. True self-esteem should be built on self-acceptance, inner peace, and alignment with one’s core values, not merely on the company one keeps.

Moreover, this perspective overlooks the role of individual agency and the capacity for self-reflection and personal growth independent of one’s immediate social circle. People have the ability to draw inspiration from a wide range of sources, including their inner experiences and personal introspection. Inquiry into one’s nature and contemplative practices are essential for understanding one’s worth and achieving lasting happiness.

The Taoist principle of wu wei, or effortless action, suggests that true harmony comes from aligning with the natural flow of life rather than striving for external validation. These teachings highlight that by cultivating inner peace and self-acceptance, one can achieve a more authentic and fulfilling existence.

Broader Societal Implications

It is crucial to consider the broader societal and structural factors that influence personal development. Economic inequality, access to education, and systemic discrimination all play significant roles in shaping opportunities and outcomes. These factors can either enhance or hinder an individual’s ability to succeed, regardless of their social circle.

Additionally, the cultural specificity of the “average of five” concept should be acknowledged. In some cultures, community and family play a more significant role in shaping individual behaviour and values compared to others where personal success is often prioritised. This cultural nuance highlights the importance of context in understanding personal development.

Ethical Dimensions

Viewing relationships primarily through the lens of personal gain contradicts fundamental ethical principles. Treating people as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves is inherently unethical. Genuine relationships are built on mutual respect and empathy, not on transactional benefits. By commodifying relationships, we erode the ethical foundation upon which true companionship is built.

The Bhagavad Gita teaches the importance of performing one’s duty and seeking wisdom without attachment to the fruits of action. This principle can guide us in fostering meaningful relationships and pursuing personal growth for its own sake, rather than for external validation.

The Power of Thought and Inner Well-being

An essential aspect often overlooked in this discussion is the power of thought in shaping our reality. Our experiences of life are fundamentally influenced by our thoughts, which drive our emotions and perceptions. This perspective shifts the focus from external influences to the individual’s mental state and cognitive processes.

Moreover, everyone possesses an innate well-being and resilience that is not dependent on external circumstances or social circles. By tapping into this inner well-being, individuals can find fulfilment and success regardless of their immediate social environment. Authentic connections and a strong sense of self-worth derived from within are crucial for true happiness.

This aligns with the Zen Buddhist concept of satori, or awakening, which emphasises the importance of inner realisation and the direct experience of one’s true nature as the path to enlightenment.

Continuous Learning and Global Influence

The value of continuous learning and exposure to diverse perspectives cannot be overstated. Expanding one’s horizons through reading, exploration, and interaction with a broad spectrum of ideas and people fosters growth and innovation. A commitment to lifelong learning, staying curious, and being open to new experiences significantly contributes to personal and professional development.

In a globally connected world, influence extends far beyond immediate social circles. The ability to access a wealth of knowledge and connect with diverse individuals worldwide enriches our understanding and broadens our perspectives. This global connectivity and access to information empower individuals to be influenced by a much broader spectrum of ideas and people.

Real-World Examples and Empirical Evidence

Empirical evidence supports the importance of diverse influences, intrinsic motivation, and the negative impacts of superficial relationships. Numerous studies have shown that long-term success and fulfilment are more closely linked to intrinsic factors such as personal resilience, continuous learning, and the quality of one’s inner life.

Consider the stories of successful individuals who have maintained meaningful relationships regardless of financial or social status. These examples demonstrate that true respect and admiration are often earned through humility, empathy, and meaningful contributions to society. In contrast, those who have pursued success through superficial means often find themselves unfulfilled and isolated.

Conclusion

The idea that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with, while appealing in its simplicity, fails to capture the complexity of human influence and development. It overlooks the nuanced interactions, broader cultural and historical contexts, and ethical dimensions that shape our lives. A more holistic approach to personal development recognises the importance of deep, authentic connections and intrinsic motivation, and values genuine human relationships over superficial success metrics.

It is particularly disconcerting that many coaches have perpetuated this notion, which can lead to detrimental behaviours and attitudes. The idea that we must surround ourselves only with those who meet certain success criteria is not only misguided but has caused considerable damage to numerous individuals’ self-worth and the quality of their relationships. By embracing the multifaceted nature of human growth, we respect the depth and authenticity of our relationships and the broader influences that shape who we are. Focusing on our inner well-being, the power of thought, and continuous learning can cultivate a deeper, more meaningful sense of fulfilment and success. Ultimately, it is not merely about who you surround yourself with, but the depth, authenticity, and integrity of your connections that truly matter. Seek relationships that nurture your soul, inspire your growth, and align with your values. In this way, a richer, more rewarding path to personal and professional success may unfold.